I must say this...

Am i a good guy?
Haha,actually not.
I found that i just act like a good guy.
A good guy shall have a generous heart, really willing to help people with no other thoughts or intention.
Instead of these, i have a small heart, with evil thoughts.
Someone ask for your help, you say yes, but in heart you say:oh no, not again...
You feel shame to say no, you dont know how to say no, you scared that if you say no you are so bad in others talk, so you say yes
Therefore, you say yes because you scared people say you are bad, you are selfish.
I just say yes coz my own "reputation"!!god, i hate myself...
So, now, the 2nd one.
People are in trauma, getting your advice, you act like you are so pro.
You give good advice, you say we must...,we shouldnt...,we can...
You give typical advice, like you are so good in it, but actually you are not.
I know that i must say like this, not that i feel like this.
I know that i must avoid something so i wont be a bad guy, not because that i wont hurt anyone.
Everything in my scale, i judge it with my own view, so that i will be a good person in others eye.
BUT actually not, i am not a good person.
Recently someone tell me i am a good person.
I am supposed to feel proud, but i felt embarrased.
In my heart i keep on saying:Dont say anymore, no, please.
Coz i felt so awkward getting compliment, i know i dont deserve it.
I do something coz i like it,its for my own good,i didnt do it for the sake of the others.
Thats why i care about how the others talk about me.
Thats why i always want to explain everything for myself.
BUT i missed that i am not the only one who can feel,think,see and judge.
Others have more experience, they have wider view, they know more things.
Others see more, think more, wiser than i can imagine.
So everything i do to cover myself, actually make myself more dirty, more wicked, more disgusting, more annoying, more and more....
So i am sure i am not a good person
So i must change myself
So stop praising me coz i am not mature enough to think and to do
So i need some time...
Sorry to everyone
Sorry to everything
Sorry for myself